Listening: The Cornerstone of Strong Families
Thursday, September 3rd, 2009It is the beginning of a new school year. As parents we have hopes and goals for our children, be they gifted or otherwise, for the coming year. We hope they connect with other children. We hope they have a teacher who knows how to keep them stimulated and challenged; yet who also knows that they may need nurturing and support at times. Perhaps our goals are academic, perhaps social, and perhaps they are more related to our children’s emotional health.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we also supported our children in identifying and working on their own goals and hopes for the year? What might that look like?
It all begins with listening. Throughout my training this past year to become a family coach, I was asked to think and write a lot. I wrote about my philosophy of family coaching, my signature story of how I got into family coaching, and my message, which is the driving force behind my passion for family coaching. The word that kept appearing in all of my writing is listening. I realized that one powerful reason family coaching is such a successful process is because it focuses on listening.
What does it mean to really listen? One way to look at this is to look at what listening is not. Are any of the following true for you?
- Do you spend more time talking than listening?
- Do you continue your current activity when your child tries to talk with you?
- Do you listen to your own internal dialogue and not your child’s?
- Do you interrupt or finish your child’s sentences?
- Do you plan your response before your child has finished?
- Do you jump to conclusions or think you have the answer/solution?
If you are answering ‘yes’ to any of the above questions, you may want to consider the following challenge: Put down the newspaper or the dish you are washing, look your child in the eyes, and listen “with your lips shut.” In fact, you may want to practice asking an open-ended question (one that cannot be answered with a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’) and then bite down on your pen so that you cannot speak. Watch your child’s body language and listen for the meaning behind her words. What happens when you listen like this?
The goal of listening is to understand your child. It takes practice to shift from listening from your own point of view to listening to your child’s point of view. And it takes further practice to make the next shift from listening to your child’s point of view to listening from your child’s point of view. Try imagining yourself in your child’s shoes. What would it be like to be facing a new school year, a new teacher, new classmates, perhaps even a new school? Even more importantly, what would it be like to do all of these things given your child’s emotional intensity, say, or her perfectionist tendencies, or her current level of social maturity?
If you are the parent of a gifted child, imagine how frustrating it must be for your eager son as he sits through the inevitable first weeks of curriculum review and more review. As he aces placement tests that show he already knows most of what will be taught in the coming year. As your daughter realizes that once again she has no true intellectual peers in her classroom. And that she will not have any friends unless she hides her intelligence and her enthusiasm for learning.
When you establish a close relationship with your child in the earlier years, the same child in his teen years is more likely to talk with you about more serious concerns. Say he is in tenth grade and wants to drop out of school because it is not offering him opportunities for learning and growing. You feel strongly that a high school diploma is absolutely necessary, so how do you keep from just blowing your top? Ask questions, listen to him, and be there for him through this difficult time. Offer your thoughts in small doses while remembering that he is his own person and needs to make his own decisions.
Or say your daughter loses it when she gets a “D” on her first college paper after never getting any grade less than an “A” in high school. For the first time she grapples with the fact that being smart does not mean, as she thought it did based on her life experiences thus far, that everything in life will come easily to her. She feels like a fraud. Would she come to you during this tumultuous time if she did not trust you to listen to her?
You are your child’s rock. The challenge is to be there for your child, without judgment, as he navigates new waters and faces the challenges that each year presents. You do not need to have all of the answers; in fact your job is to help him figure out his own answers. You ask questions and listen to the answers, and then ask more questions that help your child become clear about whatever the current situation is, and figure out ways to move forward from there. You are, in a sense, your child’s coach.
Whether in casual conversation, talks about personal or academic goals, or more intentional family meetings, the key is, through it all, to be sure that your children’s voices are heard. And this means less talking and more listening on the part of the adults. Have you ever heard the idea that you have two ears and only one mouth so that you can do twice as much listening as talking? It’s something to consider!
As the new school year begins, learn to ask your child questions that help her explore the possibilities for the new school year. Ask her questions, and then listen to her response. Really listen. It may take several attempts before she realizes that you will not talk over her, and that you are serious about understanding her.
Continue to make this a daily practice, and the school year will sail more smoothly. And you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship with your child. She will feel your respect and your love, know your appreciation and support, and reflect these back to you in wonderful ways.
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Lucy Gage Bogue, MA is a Certified Family Coach & Gifted Education Specialist. She has a rich depth of experience as an educational consultant, director of the Talent Development Institute, co-founder and director of the Green Mountain Center for Gifted Education. Lucy coaches parents of gifted children and teens to help increase their understanding of themselves and their children, identify what is most important within their families and their lives, and improve their communication skills. She coaches teens and young adults as well. Click here to send an email to Lucy