Coaching Center of Vermont Blog

By Peg Lucci

This article may not be exactly what you would expect to find during February,  the month of hearts, flowers and romance…BUT it is about relationships just the same.  This is about one of the most important relationships you may ever be lucky enough to have; the relationship with your child.

(Wait! Before you think this doesn’t apply to you because you don’t have children, consider this: chances are very good that at at some point you were yourself a child, and maybe you are even feeling a notion to throw some loving attention to your inner child, or maybe to someone else who may be acting like a child. In any case, please…read on.)—ed.

I have been a parent educator for 12 years and a parent for 20.  I love my work because it is an honor to work with families on such critical relationships; the ones between parents & kids.  These are the first relationships we have when we are born and the ones that set the stage  for all that follow.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are no guarantees that if a parent-child relationship is steeped in love, encouragement, and mutual respect, that all future relationships will be healthy.  Nor can I say that if those relationships are critical, controlling, and disrespectful , that all future relationships are doomed.  But I can safely say that those early, parent-child alliances do influence children and the kind of relationships they will have in the future. Although this thought is tempered by the fact that:

It is not “what happens to you” that determines the direction of your life; it’s what you decide about “what happens to you” that makes all of the difference.

I offer that thought in the spirit of hope and optimism  for any of us who may not have been raised by Ward & June Cleaver.  And also with a prayer for some much needed peace for all the parents out there who have poured their hearts & souls into raising their children only to be living through some challenging times with those same children.

Now with that said, let’s take a moment to explore some things we CAN do to create the kind of relationships with our children that will increase their chances of becoming happy adults whose lives are rich with satisfying and loving relationships

Let’s begin by considering this wise old saying:

Children may not remember everything you say to them, but they will remember how you made them feel!

As a coach, it’s my job to ask thought provoking questions, so take a minute and answer these:

• In the past 24 hours, how would you say you have made your child(ren) feel?
• The past week?
• The past month?
• Have you ever said things to your child that you would NEVER say to your best friend?
• Have you ever said things to your child that you would be embarrassed to hear come out of their mouths in public, for instance in school or at church?

And here’s a kicker…take a minute to let this one sink in…

• If you were your child, would you want to be in relationship with you?

OK, now it is not my intention to make parents feel bad.  Having worked with hundreds of families over the last decade,  I can tell you that many families do operate with a somewhat misguided notion:  that in order to make our children “be good” we first have to make them “feel bad.”  That’s what punishment is all about, and unfortunately, that is still one of the most widely used parenting strategies today. And it seems to stem from the fact that parents simply don’t know what else to do!

So my Valentine’s gift to you, your family and the relationships you share, is this: I want you to try a different parenting strategy this month.  The strategy is Encouragement.

Making children feel bad will NEVER create long-term or lasting changes for the better in behavior (although it may inspire children to become sneaky), and it will NEVER help you nurture loving, mutually respectful relationships.  But encouragement gives people the Courage to take a whack at life, including  relationships.

Here’s a “Quick-list” of encouraging ideas:

• Love and accept your child for who he is today, not for whom you hope he will become tomorrow.
• Spend more time focusing on what your child does well; her strengths and attributes, NOT her mistakes.
• Spend time connecting on a one-on-one basis every day (eye contact, undivided attention, unconditional love, curiosity, and a willingness to listen rather than speak) even if it’s only for 5 minutes at bed time.
• Remember that you are on the “same team”.  You are not opponents.  Work to create win/win solutions with your child.  Note: If you ever feel like you’ve won a battle with your child, you have, in the process, made her a “Loser”!
• Send the message that you have faith in your child.  Let him know, by your words and actions that you think he has “What it takes”, even when he doesn’t believe it himself.
• Change the typical dialogue that goes no where.  You know the one.
  • Parent:  “How was school?”
  • Child:  “Good”
  • Parent:  “What did you do?”
  • Child:  “Nothing”
• Ask open ended questions (the ones that can’t be answered with a yes or no) and then employ the “10-second silent rule” – count to 10 before you open your mouth again.

Can you honestly say that you know what your child thinks, dreams and feels about: Life, Love, Friendship, the Future, Spirituality, the Planet…Everything?

Meaningful conversations and joyful interactions will become commonplace when you see the BEST in your children.  When you trust that your children can solve their own problems and learn from their mistakes, you become a resource and an ally.  And when you let your kids know every day how incredibly lucky you feel to have them in your life; Love, Respect and a strong Life-Long Relationship will be your reward!

My challenge to you this month is to pick one or more of the ideas on the encouragement list and practice them each day with your kids.

For that matter,  do the same for your spouse, co-workers, friends… everyone in your life.

It’s going to be a GREAT February!

__________

Peg Lucci is a popular motivational speaker, corporate trainer and coach with over 10 years experience as a parent educator.  She knows first-hand the joys and challenges that come with juggling a family, a career and personal well-being.

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This entry was posted on Monday, February 2nd, 2009 at 8:30 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.